The Saboteur series: The Controller

The ‘Saboteur series’ is a succession of articles that outline some of the defining characteristics of limiting beliefs that can inhibit leadership effectiveness. Each article explores a particular ‘Saboteur persona’ - a specific set of traits that are observable, and which can shape the behaviours of ourselves as leaders, and those we work with. Some suggestions about how to effectively reduce the limiting effects of such traits are also shared, and developing such strategies can be enhanced by working with a professional Making Stuff Better coach.

Derived from the work of Shirzad Chamine, and outlined in his book Positive Intelligence, each article offers some fascinating insights to ‘people behaviour’.

It’s a phrase we hear from time to time…’control the controllable’. Yet how often do we feel a compulsion to be ‘in control’? I wonder how often we consciously, or unconsciously for that matter, actually engage in ‘controlling behaviours’ or even try to control the uncontrollable?

• Do you ever feel the compulsion to take charge?
• Do you find yourself actively ‘stepping in’ to lead, particularly in challenging situations?
• Does your mind ever tell you ‘it won’t get done unless you do it’ (or ensure others do)?
• Do you sometimes feel impatient that things are not progressing as well or as fast as you’d like (especially if you have some diminished influence on the situation)?

Well, if so, it turns out you are not alone. It seems that there are those in school leadership who, despite having many admirable qualities and well-developed skills, feel an inner compulsion to step into a situation and take charge. Many might even claim that is part of what school leadership is about - taking the lead!

It seems that the crux of this is the extent to which we perceive our locus of control. If you have ‘Controller tendencies’ you may tend to think that you are either in control (internal locus) or out of control (external locus). Certainly, you are likely to have a belief that if you work hard enough you can and should be able control a situation so it goes your way.

The Amygdala hijack

The Controller message is that you HAVE to be in control otherwise you can’t get much done; and that if you don’t control, you will be controlled – and you can’t live with that. Yet, in reality, we know this not to be completely true. Some things are not within our ability to control. External events are often unpredictable, as are human dynamics. Certainly, our ability better manage the emotions associated with an amygdala hijack moment can be enhanced without feeling the need to take charge.

The question is how? How do you soften the compulsion to take charge?

It seems that there are certain identifiable characteristics when it comes to ‘Controller tendencies’. The more able we are at recognising them and noticing the way they manifest in ourselves and others, the better placed we are to manage these limiting beliefs. 

What should you look out for?

If you recognise any of these in yourself or others, it may well be that ‘Controller tendencies’ are present (and holding you or them back)

• High levels of energy and determination, and need to control and take charge.
• You tend to connect with others through competition and challenge, and love beating the odds in challenging situations.
• A straight talker and feel pushing people beyond their comfort zone is a good thing.

How can I manage me (or others better)?

As an Associate coach at Making Stuff Better, I am lucky to coach those in school leadership roles. Sometimes, the challenge for those with Controller tendencies can be acknowledging the lies that it is telling us in the first place. For example, it might be telling us that when we take charge things get done. There will be evidence to point to no doubt.  It might even be saying that unless we take charge things tend not to get done. As leaders we can easily get caught up in the belief that things will fall apart without us.

This is not to say that leaders are not important, they are. However, if you watch Derek Siver’s TED Talk on ‘First Followers’  you’ll see an illustration of how leadership is often ‘over glamorised’. 

In reality, for those with Controller tendencies, it is helpful to acknowledge that whist things may well get done if we take control in the short term, this is rarely effective or sustainable in the longer term. We cannot build capacity if we as a leader are the gatekeeper and bottleneck. We cannot build capability and capacity in others if we take charge all the time. Only by devolving and distributing leadership can we really succeed more often in the long term. Giving others a chance to exercise their leadership can be one of the best forms of our leadership.

Like all limiting beliefs, once we recognise the lies that these perspectives are telling us, we tend to have a reason to address them more positively and proactively. Working as a Making Stuff Better coach allows those in school leadership to develop strategies such as:

• Acknowledge and look for evidence that shows that you might gain short term control but lose long-term influence
• Recognise that the way you feel connected through challenge and debate IS NOT often the way other types feel connected
• Tune in and give attention to feeling your own emotions. They will serve you well and help you tune into others’ better
• Redirect the controlling ambition to developing mastery over your own mind. Control the compulsion to control. Ask yourself if you are getting in your own way or others?
• Celebrate the underlying strengths and shift from Controller to strengths-focus use of those strengths

Limiting beliefs are not unique, we all have them. They take a number of different forms; from self-judgment (or judgment of others), avoidance behaviours and thinking, perfectionist tendencies and workhorse behaviours, even highly competitive compulsions and an inner need to excel, and of course the sense that we have to take charge and be in control.

Whilst these are rooted in personal qualities and strengths, they can become so magnified, so exaggerated that they no longer serve us and others positively.

In the case of the Controller tendency, being aware of how these limit our ability to build positive and sustained relationships, and greater capacity in the teams we work with, means that noticing the presence and influence of the Controller in us, and shifting our perspective and behaviours, can really support our effectiveness and sense of wellbeing. Working with a professional coach from Making Stuff Better could be one positive step towards tacking a limiting belief that is holding you back.